book in loh

I’m moving into KR tmrw and I’m thankful that I can actually fit Meeps in.

I’m thankful for the friends I already have prior to ” first day of school”

I feel a pang of sadness and fear hit me before the curtain opens and just as the lights dim. As if, a whirlpool of turmoil forms in my head, I embrace myself for the beginning of the end. Hoping , waiting and finally getting is beautiful. I wish I could pause the moments which Ihave anticipated for so greatly,  not to replay them but to admire them as they freeze in time.

I griped my seat as Phantom of The Opera commenced in Broadway New York. The hairs on my neck stood up as the first notes of the Vienna Boys Choir resonated in the old town hall in downtown Vienna.  I refused to look out of the window as we flew past the Grand Canyon.I instinctively turned my head away from the screen as Lolo Jones exploded out of the blocks, every hurdle she cleared, my legs twitched in fear and I screamed as she clipped the last hurdle during Beijing Olympics.

As I walked out of the train today, I dint look back either into the warm sunshine that you were bathing in but my heart smiled.

things we never say

remain as unknown unknowns.

The tab doesn’t flash anymore. Goodnight

-

another unfortunate car ceiling has been smashed by yet another juiceless and ugly coconut, right outside my window, it’s definitely not my car, we know how the coconuts drop around here. There’s no such thing as a free parking lot and it’s definitely not nice to park outside your neighbour’s house, wide, blocking half the road!

i’ve been blog hopping and reading about childhood dreams, how they transform and how some come through.  F wanted to be a policewoman since young but now she’s going to med school. Dreams and reality rarely collide. C had always wanted to go to nyc but now she’s staying. We are afraid that when we get, we don’t know what we want next?

Chase that light

Y

Answer for a question, reason for a being. Do we always need an explanation, a fixed order, be part of a grander scheme?

Today, since a long time, I let iTunes run for on shuffle yet 4 songs which titles start with Y were played consecutively.

Yesterdays by Switchfoot, Yesterday by Leona Lewis, Yes by Coldplay , haha yes yes yes indeed. Apparently there is order in the imposed disorder (mr whitby would say chaos, so i’m not ripping off)

I do not belong to any religion and yet I have the tendency to believe that every single  God and Goddess worshipped by any faithful exists.  Religion soothes the soul, imposes order in the disorder, is what I like to believe the customer service hotline for any product, mishap, query.

There’s something about me and calling, asking for help, I’m afraid to do so.  Hmm.

One thing for sure, my parents disapprove of me embracing other religions other than Buddhism.. Why? Because I’m a gift from the Goddess of Mercy. According to them, it was the Goddess of Mercy who gave them me after 9 years. I recall being severly reprimanded for attending what turned out to be a “converting/luring” party, I ‘ve had mixed feelings about Christians, I’ve heard disapproval among themselves too.

Evidently, every scripture and verse passed down in religious text is open for interpretation in a whole lot of ways which inevitably causes differences. The rise of religious fundamentalism – fearful people seeking answers and protecting what they know before they evolve coupled with the shallow and unthinking response from the “God-given land of freedom” has led to great friction between the Islam and Christian World.

Even my grandmother says”  don’t they read the same books just indifferent languages?”  Yes .

I shall stop expanding my entry. My attempt to go acad, is futile.

Creed

On play: My Sacrifice by Creed

I brushed off the inconvenience and spoke my thoughts to E last night. It comforts me to have E around because, E knows what I’m driving at and actively urges me to question my thoughts. I often think twice before confiding in  anyone. This is as a result of my early bad experience which involves a very personal letter being passed around, to my great distaste. Sigh, I have gone through, deep down afraid that I am being judged. I have withdrawn myself from activities, refrained from interacting “unnecesarily” – besides sport and study. Because of this fear, I judge excessively, hypocritical? Is this not the typical “bully” behaviour that we hear of, instilling fear because we are fearful ourselves.

The bravest people are those who aren’t afraid to be judged, those who wore bangs through out their school years while other girls compared how long their fringes were? Those who screamed to their hearts’ content in happiness, cried and wailed like there’s no tomorrow when they are sad, those whose faces burn up and throw themselves against the wall when they are angry. Because we aspire to be brave, we must not be afraid to be judged, we must embrace what we have, what we already are. We smoothen out the rough patches in us to make ourselves better people, work hrad because it’s simply and purely for the greater good of ourselves.

Dedication to self likened to how companies dedicate themselves to profit-making, without distraction, armed with a clear goal – The bravest people are brave because they know the end in mind, they thread murky waters, wave their arms in the temporal darkness , yet all the time with the eyes fixed with the distant goal, the most coveted prize of self-worth and satisfaction.

I find myself swaying each time with the wind. Discipline and confidence is the mantra. Therefore, before school starts I’d like to sat down a few requirements that shall faciliate my growth as a person, intellectually and character-wise.

1) Read a book every 2 weeks

- What Do You Not Know

- Plato

2) Swim 12 laps a week

3) Go on daily if not once in 2 days ( Evening jogs)  At least 20 min each time followed by strengthening exercises or gym – To be enforced STRONGLY when staying hall

4) Start on any piece of homework on the day of issue itself

5) Visit the gym once a week

Fearless, First

My first Ipod (with a screen) – Presenting, Nano i.e Taylor Meep <3

(Imagine, black, IPOD NANO HERE)

8GB of Happiness

It’s flawless, somethin’ really, it’s fearless

I’ll be there

Should you ever find someone new, you know he’d better be good to you, cos if he doesn’t then I’ll be there?

Will you?

I don’t believe in happy endings anymore. But before I work on that, I guess I’ll just have to focus on regaining my start.

So, he kept her photo in his wallet all those years, slept with all those other women. I bet he never took the photo out of that dusty corner of his wallet once in between those years. That’s what makes it easy I guess, to put aside. But how can I move on when you’re everywhere and ( everything) to me. So photos do hold memories but what does a ” goodnight” hold? After every goodnight, I say a silent prayer, praying that you’ll say hello again tomorrow.

I can’t smile the way I smile to you, to him. But then again, maybe he’d like it, like you used to.

Let this nightmare past soon or just let time fly away, so quickly now

Tell me why, Taylor

They’re dimming the street lights, you’re perfect for me why aren’t you here tonight
I’m waiting alone now so come on and come out and pull me near
Shine, shine, shine

Now I know why all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
Staying back and watching me shine and I didn’t know if you knew
So I’m taking this chance to say that I had the best day with you today.

Music starts playing like the end of a sad movie
It’s the kinda ending you don’t really wanna see
‘Cause it’s tragedy and it’ll only bring you down
Now I don’t know what to be without you around

And we know it’s never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand
And I can’t breathe without you, but I have to
Breathe without you, but I have to

I’ll leave my window open
‘Cause I’m too tired at night to call your name
But just know I’m right here hopin’
That you’ll come in with the rain

‘ve been doin’ fine without you, really.
Up until the nights got cold
Everybody’s here except you, baby
Seems like everyone’s got someone to hold
But for me it’s just a lonely time
‘Cause there were Christmases when you were mine

Hello, welcome to Taylor Swift night.

I am jay jay jaaaa aye  jaded.

bothering you

my frequent talks with y has helped greatly labelled my emotions so that I can put them down into words. Words are good because I can read back and actually understand and remember these mistakes. Basically,  I have never been a person of great detail, patience while he was one that always had things decided way before hand, planned to the minutest detail to fit in the tightest schedules. I preferred the “luxury” of lazing , he preferred the intensity of events lined up. Be it reading, sleeping, movies, tv shows, everything had to have a schedule. This is something I admire yet question. It made me think, what’s so bad about playing things by ear?

As much as I hope to have a flair in language, I don’t. As blatantly pointed out by my english teacher a few years ago, the stark truth still stares me in the face no matter how I try to avoid it. I can never be as clear as I like to be because, I simply didn’t bother to do so. I was afraid to make an effort because I thought, it was going to be dismissed anyway. I was gonna be 9th and miss the finals by a fraction of a second. So why should I try so hard?

Being apart, stepping aside, looking at things from a distance has been extremely beneficial. I  never gave much thought about evaluation, change, restructure. I mean, as time goes, mistakes will surface and I’ll just grab the rabbit by it’s ears when it pokes its head out of the burrow when its hungry. Right? No, the rabbits find another burrow, snug up to other rabbits for help. At the end of the day, you’ll just be standing guard at an empty shell, waiting for nothing.

The importance of anticipation has struck me. The ability to question yet be confident so that things will most probably go as you would like them to. In times of uncertainty, maintain composure, derive faith in the things around you with observant eyes, draw the positive energy that is definitely around. Dismiss the zombie judgements that are just a figment of your imagination.

These all answers to my dependence, my boneless dependence, my blindness, my helpless hopeless blindness that has been going on for the past 2.5 years. I’ve been feeling around with my bare fingers, getting them wet, dry, burnt, healed and all over again. Each time, the damage is covered up and I never got to see, understand how they should affect me. All around were flowers, rainbows and stars but who ever knew spinning round and round a merry go round was dangerous, until you actually fall off?

the merrygoround spins on without stopping for you. When it finally stops, will you still be there?

I declare ( as before) my heartfelt determination to win you back. No shortcuts, no time extensions, no handicaps. You had been thinking, evaluating, questioning, suffering in silence, while I spun round and round, happy with the blurred images , the colourful mix of turmoil , the horrible mess it does to my hair – without putting things back into order. That night, I dreamt that we were together again, you were breathing down my neck and there was no where I’d rather be.

Hang on tight.

Table For Three

Brandon Routh aka Superman is the unfortunate 3rd wheel, the unexpecting home owner who invites the ” perfect ” couple into his home as new roomates but little does he know that the perfect couple – Sophia Bush and this other guy ( I think he’s super annoying so I don’t bother rmb-ing his name) makes him the 3rd wheel, the supposed “pillar” that keeps them sane and feel safe with one another.

They are so very annoying, nail on chalkboard annoying. Imaging a weird couple ( unmarried yknw!) following you everywhere, poking their noses into every little detail of your life. Putting their fingers onto your freshly baked cake for your gf/bf and even blaming you for burning their fingers. Oh the audacity.

Not the mention, the complete utter insanity when they complement each other to no ends, completely cannot resist touching each other, completing each other sentences and for some insane reason even finding it a turn on to “pretend to fight with each other”.

Well the movie caption goes: Never trust a perfect couple. Well, no couples are perfect duh, there is only working towards perfection. If you believe your love is perfect, you have serious brain issues going on. Well, fortunately Brandon Routh manages to free himself from the runaway train but of course not without any injuries. Almost losing his new love pursuit, he turns the tables after consulting 2 former friends of the “perfect” couple. The perfect couple have never been apart and so he does the opposite, separating them so that each of them will have some time to live without each other.

WELL, the perfect couple seems to have their motto ” no conflicts” ingrained too deep into their minds as they pretend to agree with Brandon Routh’s “take a risk” motto but on the way home, falls back into their “deep” and lonely lives.

Of course, wouldn’t it be nice if… there’s someone sticking to you but what if you find yourself glue-ing yourselves together over and over again to prevent both from falling apart. Therefore, no guarantees, no promises…. play by ear, things do not always have to have a plan